Mirror, Mirror

 

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This spoke to me today. I must admit i’m still battling with some self esteem issues. I truly don’t find myself attractive at all. I really wish I could get a nose job. But I’m working on myself slowly but surely!

 

Mirror, Mirror!!
There were so many things I was taught to hate about myself. 1. Hated my nose; was told t it was too big and bulbous. 2. Hated my bottom lip; thought it had too many creases. 3. Hated my eyebrows; was told they were thin and sad. 4. Hated my height; everyone was taller than me. 5. Hated my knees; was told they were too dark. 6. Hated my complexion; was told I was the color of pee. 7. Hated my feet; was told my toe-nails were too dark. 8. Hated my butt; was teased it was high and girly. 9. Hated my heritage; was told I wasn’t “Black Enough” or I wasn’t “White enough” and I didn’t speak-a-the-spanish to blend in with the Puerto Ricans kids (LOL). Those critiques were sprayed on me like graffiti, covering who I really was – an unsightly tag and a stifling weight left for me to carry.

It took years to shed those scars and be able to appreciate ME – and I still find areas I missed. I had to be chiseled, sandblasted, and stripped of the self-hate – much of it deeply internalized. There is nothing more important to me than my PEACE and that starts with loving MYSELF first. You have to be able to look yourself in the mirror and smile BIG because ultimately that’s the one face you should be waking up to please. How you view your scars determines how you interact with others; shame, jealousy, envy, fearfulness, being backstabbing, distrusting, controlling, conceited, needy, shy, self-sacrificing, and self-destructive, are all reflections of the defamation of the self in the mirror – no matter how pretty or handsome you appear to others.

Find your peace beyond the looking glass. Break it!

from Quincy Gossfield (The DL Chronicles)

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An Open Letter to Black Same Gender Loving Men by David Malebranche

My heart is heavy.  My soul longs for relief.  Yesterday my dear friend, mentee and little brother, Warner McGee, transitioned after being taken off life support by his mother due to a protracted illness.  The details of exactly which illness robbed him of his future at this point is irrelevant – the painful reality we face is that yet another talented, intelligent brother has left this earth way too soon, leaving many of us scratching our heads in disbelief.  What happened?  Why him?  What more could I have done to prevent this tragedy from transpiring?  These questions hauntingly reverberate in my head like a vise, slowly squeezing it until I feel like it will explode.

 

Warner was young, gifted and black.  He overcame many early life adversities to graduate from Morehouse College with both a bachelor’s and a master’s degree in public health.  He later went on to get his doctorate in public health from the University of North Carolina-Greensboro.  He was brilliant, hardworking and passionate about promoting the general, mental and sexual health of Black men.  He was a good friend and a bright spirit.  He was a little brother to me. And his story, sadly, is not unfamiliar to us.  In recent times, the story of a talented Black same gender loving man being “suddenly” struck down in their prime has become somewhat of a yearly ritual.  Word travels through telephone, email and social media.  Everyone is shocked, saddened and surprised.  And over time, as the details around the death of our brother unravel, we discover that his passing was not so “sudden” after all.  There was an underlying medical, mental, spiritual and/or psychological issue at the root of his journey.  And for some reason, until it was too late, no one knew about it but him.

 

For many of us navigating through this world as Black same gender loving men, it is not easy.  We have to worry about the inherent racism in general society that pegs us as ubiquitous threats and outsiders, regardless of what we wear or what level of education we have attained.  Simultaneously, we are seen as the purveyors of moral depravity in the larger Black community despite our historic and present contributions to our collective advancement.  We are seen as the hedonistic pedophiles who do nothing but dream of imaginative ways to corrupt youth; the outcasts who have turned our backs on anything spiritual simply because we respect and acknowledge our natural romantic desires; and of course, we are pegged as the main reason why Black women get HIV at higher rates than women of other races and ethnicities.  With all this placed on top of our backs every day in addition to our routine daily struggles, we foolishly spend the majority of our time trying to prove ourselves to our non-Black and/or heterosexual contemporaries.  We want them to view us as trustworthy so passionately that we overcompensate with extraordinary creative and work achievements, acquire prestigious work titles and accumulate as many letters behind our names that a business card can possibly handle.

 

But in the process of responding to this intersectional oppression from being both Black and same gender loving in a society that does not care to feature either social identity, we lose something. We lose ourselves.  We stop caring about our needs and instead choose to prioritize the safety and health of others.  Over the past decade I have personally witnessed and heard of numerous Black same gender loving men who serve as healers and saviors in our community yet suffer in silence with their own health issues until succumbing to an untimely death.  It is unnecessary and I don’t think I can receive another phone call, email, or post on Facebook announcing the death of another Black same gender loving man.  I can’t go to another funeral and hear another eulogy that coats over the rich multifaceted nature of our lives to simply relegate them to “He was a good Christian and loved Jesus.”  I just can’t.

 

And I am not just referring to HIV, though I’m sure that is the health issue to cross most peoples’ minds when they think of Black same gender loving men.  Contrary to popular belief, we also have to deal with mental health issues, high blood pressure, diabetes, arthritis, and the myriad other maladies that afflict Black men.  For some reason, those of us who are the healers in our families, relationships and communities, when afflicted with an illness ourselves, choose to not follow the advice we give so many on a daily basis.  We deny the condition exists, fight tooth and nail to avoid medical care and refuse to embrace any homeopathic or medicinal remedies that can facilitate a healthy life.  Instead, put quite simply and bluntly, we choose death.

 

I am not saying that if we are dealing with a specific medical issue, we have to become the spokesperson for that topic.  This is not everyone’s calling.  In the midst of saving the world and trying to prove our worth to societies that may never fully embrace us, however, we must at least acknowledge our mortality.  We cannot always be the Supermen we think we are or so desperately want others to believe.  So if you find out you are HIV-positive, you certainly do not have to scream from the rooftops your revelation or become the poster child for HIV treatment or advocacy.  But tell some close friends and family that you trust, be conscientious about following up with medical providers, and take care of your body with whatever therapeutic options are available.  The same principle applies if we get diagnosed with high blood pressure, cancer, diabetes, depression, or any other medical condition.  It is no different. When people know exactly what you are dealing with day to day, things that happen will not be such a “surprise,” but something that makes sense and may facilitate quicker action to remedy the situation.

 

So why choose a slow protracted death?  Can we blame White Supremacy and society’s relentless attack on black male bodies and psyches?  Do we point the finger at the pervasive sexual prejudice against anyone not engaging in a “heteronormative lifestyle”?  Is it our churches’ fault for trying to brainwash us from a young age that we are damaged goods, or should our biological families assume more responsibility for more easily accepting a heterosexual sibling’s chosen drug problem over our natural romantic inclinations?  Is the CDC at fault for ignoring us for years until they couldn’t sweep the statistics under the rug any longer?  Or is it our own fault for not taking the time to check on each other when we know that something is wrong?  The truth, undoubtedly, is that the intersection of all these factors may contribute to this choice.

 

Part of the reason why we allow this benign neglect to consume us to the grave, however, is that after years of hearing what we aren’t worth from various sources in our lives, we actually start believing that our lives are expendable – despite ample evidence to the contrary.  We are the ones who serve as the rocks of the family.  We are the loving dependable uncles to our precious nieces and nephews.  We are the sons who pay attention and devote the most time to our aging parents, while our heterosexual siblings complain about being too “busy” with their marriage and kids – as if our lives are devoid of any commitments, responsibilities or obligations outside of ourselves.  We are the educators, the lawyers, the public servants, the health care employees, the customer service personnel, the ministers and ministers of music who selflessly devote our lives to our communities every day, while all the while listening to the whispers of disapproval of our born sexuality penetrate the tender flesh of our backs like so many steely knives.  After a while, despite these facts, we still believe we are unworthy of love and life.

 

The solution to this dynamic is clear – we need to be there for each other and stop waiting for a church, the CDC, our local congressperson, or President Obama himself to save us.  It is often said that as Black same gender loving men, we get to choose our non-biological families, especially when we encounter challenges with our biological families.  If that is the case, we must realize that as with any family, things will not always be perfect.  We cherish the moments where we can travel together, go clubbing, or to house parties together, and provide unwavering support to each other through school, work, and relationship difficulties. And there may be times when we may betray each other, say mean spirited things we don’t really mean, and even get on each other’s nerves and have knockdown, drag out arguments for the ages.  But this is the case with every family, biologic and non-biologic.  So since we have chosen each other, we must honor ourselves and our chosen family through thick and thin, through good times and bad times, through sickness and health.  And yes, ‘til death do us part.

 

So wherever you are, whatever you are doing in the course of your busy day that may involve interacting with another Black same gender loving man, look into his eyes and gaze into his soul.  See yourself in him. Whether he is a friend, lover or family member – look through the perfectly faded hair, the letters behind his name, the designer clothes, the impeccable payment record of his rent or mortgage or whatever kind of car from which he emerges to greet you.  Look past any troubles he has paying bills, quirks in personality or annoying habits.  Look through him and simply take a moment to ask him if he is ok.  And if he gives you a dismissive answer like “I’m fine,” ask him again, and with the side-eye you usually reserve for giving shade, let him you know are serious.  Then stand back and be prepared for a more elaborate and real answer than you could have ever anticipated.  And when you are finished listening to him, wrap him in your arms and tell him that you love him.  It may be the last time you get the opportunity to do so, and it may be one of the few times he will hear those three words and know that it is coming from someone who truly understands him.  And maybe, just maybe, he will come to realize that he has another choice.

“Pillow Talk” with Smoke

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This edition of “Pillow Talk” I had the pleasure to talk with a friend of mine and very popular urban porn star that burst out into the scene back in 2011 with Black Rayne’s “Breed It Raw” videos. From his initial scene, he was an instant hit with fans. His sexy looks, great body and juicy ass along with his healthy sexual appetite has made him a sought after porn star with other companies. I had an opportunity to talk with Smoke recently about his upbringing in the Seattle area, his love of family, Aaliyah and so much more in this in -depth interview. I hope you enjoy!!!

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1.    Tell us a little about yourself  (age, what your childhood was like, etc.)

I’m 26. I come from a very big family with lots aunts and uncles so I have a lot of cousins. LOL. My childhood was pretty good despite early on I had experienced domestic violence with my parents and I didn’t like that. But once they divorced when I was 12, things got better. I don’t really have a relationship with my father though. He doesn’t even recognize me. Kind of sad but life moves on!

2.    Many might not know you’re from the Seattle area. Lots of us don’t think there too many of “us” in the Northwest Region of the Country LOL. What is the gay scene like in the Seattle area? Especially for Men of Color?

The gay scene is the same like any other major city. Lots of clubs, guys drinking, smoking and fucking, etc. LOL Many black men don’t date other black men, which is somewhat common on the West Coast. I’m not against interracial dating but just hate to see self -hating black men. And the black men who date each other in this area have dated people that I know, etc. Its like Six Degrees of Separation LOL.

3.    I’m assuming your porn name isn’t your birth name. J  How did you come up with your porn name “Smoke”?

I got my name basically from the fact I like to smoke some weed. LOL. Simple as that. LOL And it’s great that in Washington State you can smoke a small amount “legally” 🙂

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4.    You’re relatively a newbie to the gay porn business. Your introduction into porn started with Black Rayne/Breed It Raw about 2 years ago. How has your experiences been in the porn business so far? (The good & The bad)

It’s been really weird. Initially, when I started, I got a lot of accolades from customers and industry people. But what I didn’t like was people trying to create all this drama to work with them (i.e. sleep with them, drama, etc.) and I wasn’t trying to do that. I just wanted to do my job and bounce!

5.    How did you get involved in the porn business? Were you “spotted” and encouraged to do it by friends or you just knew you were a sexy exhibitionist and wanted the world to know what you can do in the bedroom!!! LOL

Ever since I was a kid I was very sexual. When I was 19, I applied to work for CocoDorm but I chickened out at the last minute. A few years later once I moved to San Antonio, I connected with Breed It Raw again and we took things from there!

6.    Since your introduction into porn, all of your scenes have been bareback/raw Is this by choice? Would you be open to do condom scenes if the opportunity presented itself?

It was by choice mainly because that was the 1st company I decided to work for and they do only raw porn. I am open to condom scenes. But I have to be honest and say I prefer it raw. It just feels better.

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7.    In my prior interviews, I’ve asked about the ongoing debate whether or not people performing Bareback/Raw porn encourage viewers to perform “unsafe” sexual practices. Many critics believe it has lead to the rise in HIV infections in the gay/bi community, particularly with young Black/Latino males. What is your take on their analysis?

Personally, we are all adults and we make our own decisions on if we will use condoms are not. You can’t blame the porn industry for actions of individual choices. I’m sure most of it like it raw but we, as individuals, make the decision whether or not to use a condom.

8.    So far, you’ve mainly worked with mainly what some would call “Urban” studios. If given the opportunity, would you be open to work with other mainstream companies (i.e. Lucas Entertainment, Raging Stallion/Falcon, etc.)?

Yeah man. If they reach out to me, I would be more than interested in working with them

9.    When we first meet a couple of years ago, I mentioned that I am working hard to launch my own production company, MEN Entertainment, which will put a positive, mature and fresh face of Men of Color in porn! Much of the porn featuring black and latino models are mainly based on negative stereotypes perpetuated by both whites and within the black/latino community. I would like to know your take on this!

What I would like for your company to do is expand the visuals of Men of Color in porn. How many times can we fuck in the same hotel or apartment? LOL. Do something where we are at work or out and about and have spontaneous sexual experience. Also, tap into the fetish market as well. I know we have talked about how you will do that and I can’t wait to work for your company.

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10. You’ve become a well-known performer from your photos and videos on various Blogs, Twitter and Facebook, to your work with Breed It Raw. Your handsome clean-cut appearance, nice body and juicy ass are huge turn-ons for many of your fans! With that comes some negativity from some people who have a negative viewpoint on porn stars (even though they are secretly watching you…LOL) How do you handle the criticism?

At first it used to get to me. I was wonder why so many people could be so mean and all. But at the same time, I got so many comments and messages from people who said they liked my work and that outnumbered the haters. So I just didn’t really focus on it. Actually the negative comments, etc. made me a stronger person and made me work harder to make sure my scenes were hot!

11. Does your family know you are in the adult film business? If so, what are their thoughts?

Some of my family knows but not all. LOL. Some of my younger cousins do but they haven’t told the others (I don’t think). And at this point I really don’t care!

12. We all have a type of guy that turns us on sexually. What kind of men are you sexually attracted to that’ll ensure your best performance on film?

For filming, I don’t really have a type per se since I see it as work.

13. You have worked with some sexy men during your porn career. Two scenes that stand out are with co-stars Antonio Biaggi and the 3some scene with Romance and Knight with Breed it Raw! Which porn stars have you really enjoyed working with?

I enjoyed working with Big Redd, Jermany, Romance; Knight, Slim Thug and Antonio Biaggi

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14. For future films, which porn stars would you like to do a scene with?

I would love to work with Addiction, Venom, Dream and Race Cooper!

15. What I, along with other men, find sexy about you is that you exhibit a natural masculinity. I think you have become so popular, and will have staying power, because not only are you attractive but you are very passionate with your sex as well. However, we have only seen you bottom. Are you willing to be versatile on film?  In your private life, are you a strict bottom or versatile?

Oh Definitely. My first scene with Breed it Raw was with Jermany and I was supposed to top him but I got stage fright I guess. LOL. I couldn’t get hard so he ended up fucking me. But I’m definitely down to do versatile scenes and would prefer it in future work.

16. You have done 1 on 1’s and 3somes scenes on film. Do you prefer one on one or 3somes/group sex?  How about in your private life?

I prefer both actually while doing it for work. I’m not really into 3somes in my private life. I’m not really into the open relationship type of thing. I could be with the right guy but as for right now, in a relationship I’m truly 1 on 1.

17. What’s your favorite position to be fucked?

Lately I prefer to ride dick but overall I LOVE to be fucked doggy style!

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18. Fetish films (i.e. Leather, Spanking, Piss, etc.) are becoming very popular. Yet you haven’t done any on film. Are you willing to do any on film?  If so, what fetishes would you want to explore on film and in your private life?

Yes definitely. I am into Assplay. Dom/Sub Roleplay. Watersports. Some Bondage.  I think there should be no boundaries in the bedroom. And I’m willing to try new things and if I like it, then I’ll do it again. And I can see myself doing all those on films!

19. Now that you have been in the adult business for some time, do you have any regrets? If you could start all over, would you go into this business?

I honestly don’t have any regrets. I chose to work in this industry because at the time I entered it with expectations that I thought were important for me at that time. But now that I’ve experienced it, I realized those things weren’t as important as I thought and my views of porn have somewhat changed.

20. The life span of many guy’s porn careers are 1-3 years.  But I have a feeling we will see you go on for a few more years. You just seem like a natural exhibitionist. How long do you see yourself being in the business? What are your plans upon retiring from the industry?

Again I do love sex and the whole exhibitionism type of thing. I can see myself doing more erotic modeling and dancing. I don’t see myself doing much porn too much longer!

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21. I’m sure many of your admirers would love to get with you. So you know I’m going to ask…Are you single at the moment? J (If you’re single, what type of guy do you want to be with?)

Yes I am single at the moment! J

22. If you are in a relationship, has your work in the adult industry been a problem when you initially started dating? (Answer if you are currently in relationship)

In past relationships, it has caused some problems. For instance, when I was active in the industry some of my partners thought since I was having sex with various people, they felt they could as well! And that’s not the same thing. I was doing it for work and they were just doing it ..just because! So that caused some issues!

23. What is something your fans might be shocked to know about you!

I’m incredibly shy. When I’m out, some people say I look I’m disinterested or mad when I don’t speak but its not that. I’m just a shy person. LOL

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24. If there is anything you could change about yourself, what would it be & why?

I don’t really care for my hairy body. I know most people think I’m smooth but that’s because I shave it off. But I’m naturally hairy and don’t really care for it!

25. What hobbies do you enjoy? What do you like to do in your spare time?

Spending time with my family. I love those times with family. I love running. I’m also into writing poetry and slowly getting into writing music. Watch movies and cook! Go to museums and plays!

26. Just recently the U.S. Supreme Court has upheld the lower courts decision on Same Sex Marriage in California. It’s now legal in 13 states and DC. What are your views on Same Sex Marriage? Do you see yourself getting married?

I think same sex marriage is a great thing. I’m glad more states are recognizing it. Yes I do want to get married and have two kids. That’s it. LOL

27. Here are Daddy Rod’s list of “quickees” I ask each interviewee.

  • Name 5 of your favorite music artists –

Aaliyah, Kelly Rowland, Brandy, Tamar Braxton, August

  • What’s your favorite color?

Red

  • What’s your favorite movie?

Romeo Must Die, The Lion King, Queens of the Damned

  • What do you fear the most?

Never truly knowing how it is to be loved!

  • Boxers or Briefs or Jocks?

Boxer Briefs

  • East Coast or West Coast?

West Coast

  • What’s your favorite lube?

Gun Oil

  • What’s your favorite curse word?

Fuck

  • If you could meet any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be and why?
  • Aaliyah. She was so amazing. Her albums were the best. I spin “One in a Million” to this day!
  • If you can be anywhere (i.e. islands, city, etc), where would it be and why?

I would love to go to Asia. I love their culture and especially love their cuisine!

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28. Thanks so much for your time. I wish you all the best. Is there anything you would like to say to your fans? Do you have a website, twitter or blog where your fans can reach you?

I appreciate the love from all the fans who have hit me up on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook. Tumblr, etc. It really means a lot to me!

You can reach me:

Email – smoke.brb@gmail.com

Twitter – smoke_evryday

Tumblr – incrediblesmoke

Instagram – erickane

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Real Talk – I Need A Purpose

This is from Kari Day with Allied Women website. This is a great article!

Sometimes our purpose is just like a mountain. It looks so close you think you could reach up and touch it, yet it’s just out of reach. You can see it. Smell it. Taste it. And you know beyond a doubt that it is your God Given calling to climb it. But your stuck circling it.

I live here in the pacific northwest where these tall snow capped volcanic mountains are plentiful… so get the picture in your mind of Mt Rainier.

Here I’ll help you…..

If you live in Washington state, you know that when you drive along the freeway in Tacoma on a beautiful clear day you can look out your car window and see this view. It feels like you could just touch it. My vision and my purpose has at times felt like this. So close yet too far to really reach.

Can you relate?

This was my story until recently. Until a simple but dramatic shift in my thinking brought everything into clarity.

You see, I believe God gives each of us a purpose in life. It isn’t by chance, it isn’t by accident. It is real. And it is for YOU. You have a job to do. It is God given and God breathed. And time is short.

Whatever your purpose is I also believe it is already planted deep in your heart. You probably already have a vision for it. But something holds you back from being able to fully grasp it. Here are some reasons that may be holding you back.

  1. Fear – does your purpose seem far to awesome and amazing to be true? Let me tell you a secret… It’s supposed to! Fulfilling your purpose here on earth, however small or big it may look to the world, is supposed to leave you in utter awe of HIS mercy and grace for using you in this way. Believe it! He has great plans for you and has made you to be a warrior and an over-comer! Fear has no place for those he would call up to the high places.
  2. Listening to the wrong voice – how many negative thoughts do we think about every day? How many times have I stopped myself because I just heard my mind say something that was self defeating? It’s scary! When we listen to this, we will start to believe it. Fill your mind with truth and hope and positivity. Make sure you surround yourself with people who invest this kind of thinking in you. Step away from those who sew doubt, fear, and negativity. The Bible says to take every thought captive! Put action to those words, act on what you believe is true and get rid of the useless doubt.
  3. Not knowing what the next step is. I think most people get stuck here. Here is why. Too many times we lose site of what we are really doing because we spend too much time focusing on the ELEMENTS of our purpose, and not the actual purpose. Sometimes we just need to start walking toward that mountain and stop worrying about how your going to walk it.

That last point was a big one for me. And ultimately was the catalyst that changed my mind shift. Like I said earlier time is short. We are not promised tomorrow. What do you need to do to start walking up that mountain? What obstacles are in your way? Let us know in a comment below.

Top 15 Reasons That You’re Still a Single Masculine Gay/Bisexual Man

I saw this article on another site called Discreet City. about why lots of Gay/Bisexual men are single! I thought his analysis was pretty spot on.

You can read the full article along with comments by clicking here!

I would like to know your thoughts on it!
This is the main killer of all potential relationships and even basic platonic friendships of many Gay men. You only need to briefly scour the many profiles on Gay dating sites to discover the laundry list of requirements Gay men place on one another. The most disturbing part about this is that MOST times the men are demanding prerequisites in others that they themselves do not even meet. Guys seem to all want this perfect fantasy “Superman” that they’ve created in their minds to “save” them, that more likely than not doesn’t even exist. No one is perfect, not even yourself.
Many gay men will agree: Chatlines are for Hookups. Dating sites are for Hookups. Cell Phone Apps are for Hookups. Clubs are for Hookups. The large percentage of men you meet through the aforementioned methods will most likely just be looking for quick no-strings-attached sex. That’s not to say that hookup sex never leads to relationships, but the chances for it are low. Check out our 10 Level Guide to Meeting Masculine Men to find out alternative ways to meet men for more than just sex.

Look into the mirror and honestly ask yourself if you are worth the effort. You say Yes? Now look at your cell phone…is it ringing off the hook with potential dates? No? You have your REAL answer…All jokes aside, no one is attractive to ALL men. We all have different tastes and preferences and something as simple as a poorly chosen tattoo around a belly button can soften even the hardest penis of a masculine Gay/Bisexual man. Focus on depending on more than your appearance and you’ll find that more quality men will emerge.

See the remaining 15 Reasons That You’re Still a Single Masculine Gay/Bisexual Man, In Just One Click.

No one likes fruit and vegetables that aren’t ripe yet. No one likes undercooked food. Many Gay men see anyone 25 and younger as disasters waiting to happen, with good reason. At that age they are like horny puppies humping the first legs they see. It eventually passes with time, but not before they’re potentially all used up. Alternatively, “Desirable Gay” seems to have an expiration date. After 27 years old, you’re like an old loaf of bread: your edges start to harden until you are 40 and you’re ready to just be thrown into the trash. This is how many Gays view older men. I say all this to say, there is an ageist attitude amongst Gay/Bisexual men that goes both ways (pun intended). This reason has no solution. It all comes down to what your intentions are for the potential relationship and how thick your skin is for potential rejection.
Gay men are obsessive about “sexiness” and the beauty of the male physique. This is a fact of life that has been around since the days of homosexuality amongst the Romans. It will not change. So it may be time to become more like the “Statue of David” and less like the “Statue of Buddha”. Don’t get me wrong. If weight is a constant struggle, don’t risk your health by utilizing crazy diets and unsafe juice-fasting techniques. Also, I know there are men out there that are really into “thick” guys. However, they are often few and far between. Ironically, even many chubby guys that don’t mind dating other men with a few extra pounds often get REJECTED because they are not “sexy” with six-pack abs and muscles. Once again, you have men desiring what they themselves are not even offering in return (see Reason #1).
Believe it or not, you can actually be TOO in-shape. Admittedly, I’m not into muscle guys. True, some of these men can be nice to look at and/or have a one night stand with…but that doesn’t mean I would want to date them. Many guys such as myself are not interested in being with these overly muscular guys who drink protein shakes at the club…Okay, that was an exaggeration but not by much. Also, I’ve talked to many guys that feel intimidated by men all ripped and cut up. They say it makes them feel insecure to take off their own clothes eventually when it comes to intimacy. Lastly, many muscular men that I’ve known tend to put their standard for fitness on the other men they meet, causing a lot of disappointment. There’s a reason that you can’t find another masculine Gay/Bisexual man who has also been going to the gym 6 days a week for the last 10 years. They’re rare.
Everyone knows that all the best Gay/Bisexual men to date are ALWAYS in the city that you are NOT currently living in…Keep moving until you find the man for you. Seriously though, even in heavily Gay populated cities like New York and Atlanta, weeding through and finding a decent match can be near impossible. Also, from what I’ve heard, long distance relationships where the two men START OFF in different cities/states never last. So what’s the solution? Employ the stopgap methods of porn, masturbation, hookups and the companionship of platonic friends until your Mr. Right “Promoves” into your city.

Gay men need to be wined and dined. Watching movies on your laptop at your apartment with your two or three roommates because you do not have money and/or a car is not what a Gay man considers a great date. Once again, I’m exaggerating but not by much…we’re speaking about a culture of men who place looks and material possessions over personality and intelligence. This is partly understandable as many men want to at least date someone that can pay their bills and be able to afford a trip out of town occasionally. The only advice here is to “get your financial weight up.” If not only to widen your dating options but to also better yourself and your situation in the process.

This one boggles my mind. So many men who WANT relationships have told me that they‘re not looking. The old adage, “you’ll find a match once you stop looking for one” is holding you back. Nothing ever gets sold if you don’t advertise that it is for sale. You have to be proactive in your search much like you would in looking for employment. No one ever says, “you’ll find a job once you stop looking for one.” On the flip side to this, some men you meet will say “I’m not looking for a relationship right now” but what they really mean is, “I’m not looking for a relationship WITH YOU.” Accept this and move on to someone who actually has the same goal in mind as you.
As I explained in the 10 Level Guide to Meeting Masculine Men, everyone has their own Level of Gay Comfort. How “comfortable” a man is in doing certain things to meet other guys determines his level of comfort in being a Gay/Bisexual man of color. I’m at a level Eight on the list which means that while I’m still very discreet, I’m comfortable enough to go to a Gay club or a date another masculine discreet man. However there are many men out there who consider me TOO comfortable and would never want to be seen going to the movies or having dinner with a man in public. Some paranoid closeted men only want to “date” other paranoids like them. Alternatively, many men who are “Out” only want to date men more comfortable with their sexuality. Ironically, many “Out” men are turned on by “down low” men even though these guys would never want to be seen dead in their presence. Same in reverse, I once tried to date a dude who was VERY much a homosexual, but he was still in denial, even to himself. If even in private you can’t even feel comfortable being Gay, you’re just wasting both of our time.
This one is tricky. Gay men come in all sizes with many different tastes. There are masculine men who LOVE feminine guys. There are masculine guys who ONLY like other masculine men. There are even masculine men who like a mixture of the two, preferably when making noises in bed. As a naturally masculine man, I’ve been rejected countless times because I was too masculine. It can be intimidating to some men. You can’t control the tastes of other individuals so there is no solution to be offered here except to just keep searching for a proper match.
Let’s face it: Some guys just don’t want a relationship. From the many stories I’ve heard, Gay relationships can be messy, complicated and full of unnecessary drama and aggravation. I’ve spoken to many men that in lieu of a relationship are content with just looking online for an occasional “hookup” to get the need for sex out of their system. Also, I’ve met many men who were IN A RELATIONSHIP that ended up using me to cheat on their partner. Some men can’t do commitment even in the process of trying. It’s as if their brain is monogamous but their dick is the philanderer. To each his own. If you are the type of man who prefers to be single, remain that way.
I’ve met quite a few of these. These clingy relationship types often expect monogamy after your first date. They can be seen sending you “Good Morning” text messages DAILY the night after meeting you for the first time. They start planning for your future together before you even learn each others last names. Look, there’s nothing wrong with getting excited once you’ve FINALLY found a man that meets your laundry list of standards and requirements, but there’s no faster way to run him off than to let him know you’ve already started picking out the drapes for your new home together after only a few dates.
There’s nothing worse than being a Top and finally meeting the perfect guy only to find out that he’s ALSO a Top. Same applies to Total Bottoms meeting other Total Bottoms. Then there are Fully Versatile guys who find it boring to date Non-Versatile men. Then there are the Oral Only men and the Fetish men and the list goes on…Some will say that sexual position doesn’t matter. Speaking from experience, it does. A man in a relationship that is unsatisfied sexually often starts to stray after awhile. Again, you can’t control the sexual tastes of other individuals so there is not much of a solution to be offered here except to just keep searching for a proper match.
This is the main reason that has kept me single for as long as I can remember. I seem to have a knack for meeting great men at the wrong time. From meeting him while I’m dating another guy, meeting him when I’m single but he’s in a relationship, meeting him when he’s just getting out of a relationship and he still hasn’t severed his feelings for his Ex, meeting him just as he’s cutting off all dating to focus on work/school, to meeting the perfect guy RIGHT BEFORE he’s about to move to the other side of the country…My timing sucks. What I’ve learned to do is to just lower my expectations. I’ve tried to meet as many guys as possible (discreetly) and develop quality friendships at the least so that my network can be widened, thus creating more opportunities to meet quality guys in the future.

Top Five Regrets of the Dying

As the 2011 comes to a close and 2012 is a few days away, let’s evaluate our lives. See what we can do to better ourselves and live life with no regrets. I came across this article on another blog. It was written by Bronnie Ware. It’s a simple yet very powerful reading.

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way.

From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship.

Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends
until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier
This is a surprisingly common one.

Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice.

They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.