Gay Relationships: Why Am I Still Single?

I think a good number of us can relate to this!

“I’m so fed up with being a “nice guy” and getting nowhere for it. I continue to be perplexed by my situation and want to understand better why others act the way they do, what I am doing wrong, and what things I can do to improve myself. I’m not perfect and don’t pretend to be. I’m not a model, but I’m often told by people that I’m “hot” and how nice and sweet I am.
I am passionate and good in bed and believe I have a good personality and sense of humor. I have my own place, a new car, a great job, and I’m very successful in my career that holds a lot of promise for more growth and success. So I guess my biggest question is why am I alone? I treat the guys I have gone out with really well. Yet, it never seems to be enough. I just want to build a life with someone who has ambition, dreams, and who will love me and look out for me as I would for him.” – ( Gay Man, age 29 )

This young man is not alone with his predicament. Millions of singles, both gay and straight, face the same frustrations and challenges involved in their dating quests for their true life partners. Finding a compatible, quality guy to settle down with is one of the most important decisions you’ll make, so it’s important to assess how your dating experiences and choices are matching with your needs and goals, particularly if you’ve been dealing with a series of dating mishaps and dissatisfactions.

The question of “why am I still single?” is a very complex issue that can’t be done justice with answering in a short article, but this piece will package some key points that will hopefully get you started with figuring out your own situation if you’re pondering this common question; perhaps it will become a launching pad for you in approaching your dates differently.

It certainly can be challenging trying to find a decent man to build your life with, someone who’s got a good head on his shoulders and who’s been able to overcome a lot of the garbage we gay men have to go through to feel ok about ourselves in this homophobic society. You feel like you’re a motivated person with lots of potential and possibility ahead of you, driven to succeed and achieve.You also believe that you’re a “good catch” and know that you have a lot to contribute and give in a romantic relationship if given the opportunity. But how do you find that in another guy?

There are a multitude of reasons why someone may still be single when they truly desire a relationship. Maybe they keep attracting the same kind of partner who’s wrong for them, or they’re unrealistic in their standards, or they have weak social and dating skills, or they fear losing their personal freedom, among many others.

Many gay men have a difficult time establishing and maintaining intimate relationships because of internalized homophobia or intimacy fears. And then it becomes very easy to take on a “victim mentality” and become overly-focused on the flaws of the men we date. Taken a step further, one can then begin developing beliefs like “It’s never going to happen for me; they always turn out to be such losers” or “Gay men aren’t capable of having long-term relationships”, among others. These are all false, of course, but easily born out of frustration and hopelessness.

The truth is, we can’t change other people. What’s most important at this juncture is to relax, take the emphasis off of the other guys and why they are the way they are, and put your energy into examining the role that you may play in this problem, because that’s where the key to success is in you taking charge of your life and making personal changes where they’re needed. Below are some suggestions to get you started in the right direction:

1. Be the best person you can be. Live your life to the fullest with no expectations of a relationship. You may be trying too hard at finding love and that can be sabotaging. Lead an active and fulfilling lifestyle with purpose, meaning, and passion, and like-minded people will be attracted and drawn to your energy. Build your support system too and keep dreaming big! Throw yourself into personal growth and boost your self-esteem and confidence and eliminate any fears you may have.

2. Know yourself completely and develop your vision. This is the most important step! Be very clear about who you are, what you want, and how you’ll get it. Do this not only for your individual life, but also create a relationship and life partner vision. What are your needs, wants, values, and requirements for both? What’s negotiable and what’s non-negotiable? Be very specific.

3. When you begin dating, use this vision as your guide. Collect information and experiences from the men you date to gain a solid knowledge of who they are and make sure they’re in alignment with your vision. At the first sight of a non-negotiable trait they possess, disengage to avoid getting more invested and keep searching. A lot of people ignore these signs and then they get in too deep. Avoid this trap!

4. Explore your past relationships with men. Do you see any patterns in the types of men you’re attracted to or the type of relationships you’ve had? Are you continually getting involved with emotionally unavailable men? Are you projecting your own issues onto these men? Are you really ready for a relationship as much as you may want it? Do you have any unfinished business from a prior relationship that prevents you from being able to grieve it and let it go? These are all things to consider as you do your self-analysis.

5. Identify your relationship beliefs. These pre-conceived notions and thoughts may be holding you back and sabotaging your efforts. Some examples of self-defeating thoughts might include: “All the good ones are taken”; “Gay relationships don’t last”; “I failed at relationships before, so I will again”; “Gay men can’t commit. I’ll be alone forever”, etc. Work at creating new beliefs to dispute these and gather evidence to prove these negative ones wrong.


So in a nutshell, work aggressively at the above points and you’ll be at a good starting point. Other things to consider might be to live your life to the max and a relationship will happen when you’re not pressuring yourself so much because you’re happy and living with purpose. Become really attractive “on the inside” and you will attract similar people (The Law of Attraction).
Be visible, take risks and stretch out of your comfort zone, develop skills to boost your confidence and cope with feelings of loneliness, develop solid boundaries, and always stay true to your vision no matter what. Good luck with your quest! One good catch deserves another!

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.

Dating Tips

I came across a very nice blog called “Confessions of a Down-Low Brother” and some of his posts are very eye-opening. I have never been “DL” so I can’t really relate to a lot he has gone thru but its good reading it because it gives me a different perspective on some DL men.

Anyway, he had a blog recently on dating and I think a lot of what he says is very true. Unfortunately, i haven’t run across many brothers who truly want to date. Many think a “date” is a drink, dinner and a fuck. Now I’m not knocking sex because I love it just like everyone else!
Feel free to add your tidbits!

  • Try to do a fun activity together — like bowling, a sporting event or a concert. Observe how the brother acts in public. Is he courteous to waiters and other folks. Is he friendly or uptight to be with in public? Or is he really not your style? If you feel uncomfortable in public with a man you have a romantic interest in I would advise not pursuing the relationship.
  • I know this is a surprise coming from me but don’t try to jump in the bed on the first date. Take it easy and get to know the person.
  • Don’t overdo it. When you first start dating it’s enough to see each other once a week. I’m not saying don’t call or text but try not to wear them out. Let things develop slowly. I think my problem a few months ago when I first jumped into the gay world is that I was seeking intimacy too fast. If I had slowed down and let my brains and not my hard dick to do the talking I would have never bothered with some folks because SURPRISE — there are some crazies around.
  • Don’t be afraid to take risks and do things you wouldn’t normally do. The Jewish guy I see sometimes is into Gospel music which frankly I don’t like that much. He invited me to a gospel concert and at first I was reluctant but I went and had a nice time. And I could tell he was glad I was there to share the experience with him.
  • If you’re always planning outings and the other person is not reciprocating they are probably not that into you. Save yourself some pain and let them go.
  • If a person is only trying to get with you to get sex really examine this budding relationship. If that is what you want cool — hey I like great sex just like the next guy. But if you desire something deeper, it is better to let the relationship go or you will end up feeling used and your self-confidence hurt. I’m seeing a guy like that now — we will meet once a week and do that thing. But I limit our meetings to when it is convenient for me. Things may develop down the line but right now it’s mostly about sex. It is what it is.
  • Share date expenses or let one person pay one time and then reciprocate the next time. In other words, don’t be a moocher.
  • If you are dating several people at the same time don’t be a player and be honest. That way no one’s expectations get raised. Studies have shown gay men tend to have more polyamorous or dating several men at one time. This can actually be fun arrangement because you can explore different men and figure out what you like. However, don’t make a guy think he is your one and only and he is not.
  • Okay, so you and your date like to play sexually together and with others. That can be tricky. You need to set down some rules of engagement. You gets to fuck whom, you kisses whom etc. This type of arrangement takes a self-confident person, one who is sure enough about their date to know after play time is over you will still want to deal solely with each other.

The 8 Black Gays you will meet in your lifetime

I received an email from a good buddy of mine and I must say I was humored by this email. I say humored because I’m sure we have all met one of the types of men! And I’m positive some of us fall into one, if not, more of the “types” lol. One thing I don’t totally agree with is that most of the guys they refer to are mainly bottom. I can see vers but not all bottom.

Anywhoo, read for yourself and tell me what you think. Take it lightly. It’s all in fun!

After reading “A Handy Guide to All Gay Men” by Brian Moylan over at Gawker, what stood out to me (obviously) was that I don’t know many Black men like this. Any one of these archetypes can apply to my Black gay brethren, but by and large, in my experience, they do not. So some mischievous friends and I decided to compose a more colorful equivalent to Moylan’s classifications. Your education begins now.
a-skinnyThe Skinny Bitch
This strain of Black gay is typically very young (“green”) but quickly rises in popularity in his newfound social circle because of his youth, pliability and quick mastery of shade. His goal is to accrue as many enemies as possible since he’s convinced that having enough people that despise him means he’s “doing something right.” He will spend an entire month’s salary on designer sunglasses because he considers them social currency.
Activities: “Walking”, throwing shade, wearing eyeliner, being penetrated, hogging the camera, starting arguments with strangers, making youtube videos, going to the mall.
Diva of Choice: Beyonce or Rihanna (there is no in-between)
Top or Bottom: Bottom.
The Homo Thug
The Homo Thug’s days are numbered since this is a group that usually patterns itself after trends in Hip-Hop, and the thug image is slowly fading. However, this image is still a selling point in gay porn and a popular refuge for closeted men. He usually has archaic notions about Black male sexuality and equates “thug” with masculinity. He is disrespectful, self-hating, and needs to pull his pants up.
Activities: Hiding, lying, saying “I don’t do that gay shit”, smoking weed, being ignorant, having kids, having a limited vocabulary, not returning calls, breaking hearts.
Diva of Choice: Lil’ Wayne
Top or Bottom: Outdoor Versatile Top/Indoor Power Bottom
The Big Boy
These teddy bears are sweet, loving, warm and always horny. The lines between a good meal and good sex are often so blurred that any conversation involving “meat” will simply have to be taken in stride. He is way more confident than you think he has a right to be, always has a date (because he looks “healthy”), he’s funny, and will give you anything in the world as long as you are consistently fucking his brains out.
Activities: Calling skinny bitches “skinny bitches”, cooking, hugging, making inappropriate double entendres, grabbing.
Diva of Choice: Jennifer Hudson
Top or Bottom: Bottom.
The Muscle Queen/Athletes
They roll in packs and only date each other. You never see them during the winter months because they are in the gym 24/7. Come summer, he’s wearing the smallest tank-top or the tightest t-shirt. Don’t bother lusting after him, because you do not exist in his world.
Activities: Making fun of fat people, lifting weights, talking about lifting weights, accusing skinny people of being sick, dating white guys, bumping into people, being penetrated.
Diva of Choice: Creatine.
Top or Bottom: Versatile/Power Bottom.
The Church Queen
In spite of the Black church’s reputation for homophobia and intolerance, you will find that a number of Black gay men make the church the cornerstone of their social interaction, perhaps out of a sense of familial or religious obligation, or simply because the choir is so fierce. The Church Queen is usually loyal and loving, but is prone to Tourette-like outbursts of “Jee-suss!!” in any given situation. He listens to gospel music constantly and considers Loretta Divine his spirit animal.
Activities: Cooking, talking loud, clutching his pearls, singing, being called “mother”, being single, speaking with a southern twang even though he’s from the midwest or the northeast.
Diva of Choice: Karen Clark Sheard
Top or Bottom: Sanctified Bottom.
The Uppity Snob
He is educated, has a six-figure salary, a nice car and a big house, but nothing is good enough for him. He will throw dinner parties with his Coven Of The Articulate and they will all wear hard-soled shoes regardless of the season, time of day or theme. When he’s among other types of gays, he will roll his eyes, sneer, or attempt to oppress them intellectually. In spite of all his accomplishments, he’ll never be happy, can’t take a joke and never laughs. He can usually be found in the club wearing a blazer and sipping a cocktail against the wall.
Activities: Debating, sighing, having a small penis, having furniture delivered, going to the spa, being offended, finding excuses to use any word that requires a schwa.
Diva of Choice: Whitney Houston
Top or Bottom: Versatile/Bottom.
The Alterna-Queen
He doesn’t like the “gay scene” because he finds it “too mainstream.” You can find him a coffee shop with his MacBook Pro listening to underground Soul or Hip-Hop, writing poetry and waiting for someone with whom he can debate the oppression of goats and librarians. He often accuses people of “not getting” him and reactively dislikes anything that everyone else likes. He’s basically “The Uppity Snob” but with dreadlocks.
Activities: Poetry slams, debating, having his locks re-twisted, blogging, shopping at outdoor markets, calling himself a photographer, quoting Marcus Garvey, dating white men.
Diva of Choice: Some bitch you never heard of.
Top or Bottom: Top for white guys, otherwise versatile.
The Old Queen
The Old Queen has seen everything and done everyone. He thinks you’re frivolous and that you stole everything from his generation. He will say things like “in my day, the men were men” and “remember when House music was House music?” He is short of patience and doesn’t want to hear your whining.
Activities: Knowing everything. Remembering everything.
Diva of Choice: Stephanie Mills, Teena Marie, Chaka Khan or Luther Vandross.
Top or Bottom: Like it even matters.

Being Happy Single While Your Friends Are Taken

I stumbled across this blog entry and it really spoke to me on many levels. It pretty much speaks to what’s going on in my life at the moment.

Relationships….Are they overated? Everyone wants to be loved, everyone wants to be able to say “I have that special somebody that I can come home to.” But unfortunately your friend can say all of that and all you have to come home to is a Pepperoni Hot Pocket waiting for you in the freezer.

The holidays are apporaching and everyone is “Boo’ed” up yet you are by yourself wondering why you are still single? But you can most certainly be happy being single while your friends are pre-occupied with relationships.

You remember those days when you and your best friend ran the town, you had wild sex stories to tell each other the next night and the process repeats the next weekend. But recently your friend found a boyfriend and you start to see less and less of them. Now that your friend is gone you kind of have more time on your hands to yourself but the last thing you should dois consider it to be lonliness….FLIP THAT SHIT! Think about it as a chance to put your energy into making your life more exciting. Some things that you can put this new found energy into:

  • Writing a blog [why not get your thoughts out there for the public to read]
  • Plan a little get away by yourself or to meet up with a long lost friend
  • Work out [get that body looking good!]
  • Check out new places you haven’t been before
  • Be more social with other people you haven’t met or have kind of put off to the side
  • Get a pet [you can put all of that love and affection towards it]

One of the most important things is to be greatful for your solitude and your single life while you still have it. You could meet that special person at any point and time and there goes your single life…there goes your worrying about you and you alone. Now you have to think about someone else. Right now you are able to be as spontanious as you want to be but as soon as that man comes along, you are going to have to work someone else into your life and work around their schedule as well.